Today, we celebrate the first edition of our new blog feature, “Ask the Dating Coach”. This is where Sandy addresses readers’ dating dilemmas. If you would like to have your questions featured here, please email them to: sandy@abiggerpond.com. Questions will be considered at The Dating Coach’s discretion. She reserves the right to edit questions, and assumes no responsibility for actions taken in response to advice given. You are in control of your own decisions. I hope you enjoy our newest feature!
Dear Dating Coach:In the five years since my divorce, I worked very hard on my self-growth. I have transformed myself from shy and insecure to confident, capable and self-reliant.
I now feel like I’m ready to get remarried. I am tired of doing everything on my own and would like to share my life with a special man. Problem is, I seem to be attracting guys who are not very strong. They are impressed by my growth and stability, but they are often emotionally unstable. My first husband was so strong that I often yielded to whatever he wanted. I know I don’t want to repeat that mistake!I want to find a balance between being too self-reliant and too weak. I need help figuring out how to stay a soft girly-girl and not lose my strong sense of self.
Signed,
Off-Balance
Dear Off-Balance,
First, I’d like to extend a high five to you for all of the hard work you put into your self-growth. You have emerged from your cocoon and are ready to fly. There’s only one problem. You either need to stop coming across as so self-reliant, or you need to find stronger men. Probably both.
Strong competent women can sometimes attract men who want to be taken care of. You are probably very nurturing, which is another reason you might be attracting these unstable men. Do you let men pay for you? It might be against your nature to let them pay, but it establishes the ‘hunter’ nature of men right out of the gate, on the very first date. Do you let men hold doors open, walk you to your car, decide on the location and time of the date? Again, these small gestures can speak volumes, as they encourage men to take charge.
Another thing you might be doing is listening too much. Sounds paradoxical, but you might not be asking enough from the men you are dating. Are you seeking their advice? Do you value their judgment and opinions? This is a clue that the balance could be off.
I think you are close to finding the perfect balance. You are self-aware enough to know who you do and don’t want to attract. That puts you way ahead of most daters.
Best of luck to you!
The Dating Coach
