Call me Doctor Love. I happened upon this new career by accident, as I stumbled through the sometimes daunting, often exciting adventure of dating after divorce. Through my own trial and error of dating, I discovered that I am much better at understanding men the second time around. Whether it’s due to my maturity, self-confidence, or better communication skills, I have been enjoying getting to know men through online dating.
This past week, I was able to help two divorced friends. Friend number one is a young woman in her thirties with three young children. She has been divorced about a year, and I convinced her to take the leap and join an online dating service. I helped her write her profile, pick good photos, and figure out who was worth emailing and who was to be avoided like the plague. We barely knew each other before she joined the dating world, and now we speak several times a day. Her profile was viewed by almost 300 men in a week, which is remarkable! She has a possible date this weekend. She is learning to weed out what she wants, to get clearer in her communication. Her self-confidence is growing. And she’s learning to lighten up and trust men, difficult to do after an abusive marriage and contentious divorce.
Another friend, in her fifties, divorced four years, has been dating online for about a year and a half. She hasn’t had much luck with sustaining a relationship. She recently began dating someone, but she wasn’t that into him. Besides, with his heavy travel schedule, he wasn’t so available. Things were looking bleak until she received an email from a major crush. Confused about how to interpret his words and how to respond, her initial instinct was to express her anger and confusion. I advised her to write down all of her responses and send them to me. Give it 24 hours, then come up with a new letter.
She came over the next morning, and I helped her take her angry, defensive, heavy response and transform it into a light, objective, curious and warm letter. She sent it later that afternoon and the result couldn’t have been better. They ended up having a heart to heart talk, after which he invited her over to his home for the first time. She brought chicken soup, they watched a great movie. The upshot is he didn’t realize that she wanted a relationship with him. He had gotten the wrong message, one of anger and defensiveness. And he had stayed away. Had she sent her first response, they would never had ended up together. This morning, he sent several loving texts. The confusion is over!
She just called me to suggest a new name for my dating service: Man Whisperer! By no means am I an expert in men, but I do seem to be clear about what it is that I want, and communicate that clearly. Most men understand focused conversations, and are not so good at subtleties, which is how many women communicate. I used to be very abstract, coy, and wanted men to read my mind. No longer.
So, ladies, the Love Doctor/Man Whisperer is advising you to speak your mind. Get curious, don’t jump to conclusions, and say what you want. Your man will thank you!
