What does ‘I love you’ mean to you? Which word do you think is most important? The ‘I’ the ‘love’ or the ‘you’? I never really thought of it that way until a friend sent me an email about his kid’s experience with those three words when uttered by their mom.
These kids were raised primarily by their dad, because their mom was mentally incompetent. Shortly after their birth, she moved out, and her relationship to her children was as a distant aunt, not a mom. It is unfortunate to have such a mother, but such is life. We can’t always predict that the person we marry will turn out to be the kind of parent we had hoped for.
Twenty years later, when she says, “Please forgive me for being such a bad mother. I love you”, it feels like a burden to them. She is really asking for them to be the forgiving adult, while she does nothing to change the way she mothers at all. Role reversal is challenging for a child, no matter what the age or stage in the relationship. When she says “I love you”, it doesn’t feel real. Their dad said the following:
When someone says “I love you”, the emphasis has to be on the you, not the I. To only say “I love” leaves you guessing what you love – skiing, the color green, gorilla preservation or whatever. Giving is definitely the crucial part of love.
Giving is definitely the crucial part of love. How true! When we emphasize the YOU, it is really about the other, not ourselves. It is open-hearted, being fully there for another, seeing another and appreciating and valuing them for who they are. Many of us have experienced the other kind of “I love you”, where it’s all about how we contribute to another’s ego, or about a sense of obligation, or a myriad of other things. The honest to goodness “I love you” is obvious to the receiver. It fills their heart and lightens it, and does not weigh it down with the burden of a false love.
What does “I love you” mean to you? Have you been the recipient of the “you” kind of love? How did you know?
