How do you express yourself when you’re angry at someone? Do you scream, reprimand, rebuke? Would you rather say nothing at all, not trusting what might come out of your mouth if you did express yourself? Or, are you one of those rare people who can express themselves with grace when stakes are the highest? This last approach is one which I have strived towards for most of my adult life. My goal is to communicate with grace in challenging situations, no matter how high the stakes.
When we feel the most angry, we often don’t trust our first response. Most of us were not brought up with the skills to be assertive and compassionate. I have learned that yelling and even telling someone how I feel in a calm voice, can have the absolute wrong effect. It all depends on the intention. If we express ourselves with an open heart to an open heart, we will connect and get through to the other.
Keys to Compassionate Communication when you are angry:
1) Give yourself empathy. Fully feel what you’re feeling when you are angry. Name it. Sit with it. Give yourself some compassion for how you are feeling.
2) Give the other person empathy. Guess what the other person might be feeling. Do this in your head, not necessarily out loud. Try and feel what the other person is feeling in the moment.
3) Don’t bring history to the table. Leave the past aside. It will only complicate matters. Be in the moment, present with what is going on right now.
4) Speak empathy out loud to the other. This sounds something like this: “Joe, you seem really angry. I am guessing that you might be feeling sad that I ate the last muffin and you were looking forward to having it for dessert.”
5) Listen to what the other person has to say. “Yes, Jane, I am angry that the muffin wasn’t there when I wanted it. I was really looking forward to eating it.”
6) Acknowledge the other’s feelings. “So, Joe, would you have liked me to check with you before I ate the muffin?”
7) Let the other know the impact of how they acted. “I will check in with you next time. I want you to know that it’s hard for me to connect with you when you are yelling at me. I feel sad and alone when that happens.”
Make a request. “Would you be willing to speak to me in a kinder tone the next time you get angry? ”
9) Connect heart to heart.
When we see the humanity in the other, we see possibility for connection and a world opens up. We connect to each other’s hearts and that’s what it’s all about.
Do you struggle with self-expression when you’re angry? Any tips you can share for what works for you?
